Would-be Oxford Candidate Turns to Gun Crime After Seeing Sterling’s Tattoo

by James Copeland

An impressionable 15-year-old Eton schoolboy has ditched a life of academia for a life of crime after seeing Raheem Sterling’s rifle tattoo, it has been revealed.

Tarquin Huntingdon-Fartly, the heir to the Fartly estate in Fartly, Hampshire, caught a glimpse of The Sun’s front page during a chance visit to Waitrose on Friday. Within 13 minutes, he had a criminal record and several face tattoos.

23-year-old Manchester City winger Raheem Sterling got the tattoo as a statement against gun usage; a fact that sadly hasn’t prevented England’s youths from turning into crack-addled criminals.

“Unfortunately, Tarquin isn’t the only youngster who has been derailed from the sight of Raheem’s sickening ink,” explained a spokesperson for The Sun. “A 4-year-old girl in Sleaford called Stephanie has started listening to grime, and Prince George now wears Shockwaves gel in his hair. Is this the country you want to live in, Raheem? Come to your senses and use your influence to hunt peadofiles instead.”

Tarquin was last seen in the centre of St Albans, masturbating outside an Ann Summers. He’s already shot and killed several pensioners, and has insisted that he will only stop once Ross Kemp has done a hard-hitting docu-drama based on his life called “Tarquin’s Terror”.

More to follow.

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