Players who have not been selected for the World Cup have suddenly insisted they had plans all along, it has been revealed.
“Thank God,” wrote Leroy Sane on an Instagram post. “I’ve just ordered a Roomba from Amazon and they told me it could be delivered at any time between 14th June and 15th July. The World Cup would’ve been great, but I’m not waiting in a queue at the depot again.”
The jettisoned Christian Benteke was also welcoming of the news. “I can finally get my boiler fixed,” said the Belgian after being whittled out of Roberto Martinez’s 27-man squad. “Leaving it another month would’ve been a nightmare. Now I can be at home to hover awkwardly around the boiler technician while he tries to work. I’ve been practicing my tradesman small talk all season in preparation for this. Thank you, Roberto, for putting my hot water first.”
Even those players whose nations didn’t qualify for the World Cup have made their excuses. “I spoke to the lads and we agreed that we just don’t want to fly anywhere this summer,” explained Gareth Bale after Wales failed to progress from their qualifying group. “Aaron Ramsey’s ears go funny on landing and airplane food gives me severe bouts of constipation. We’re getting a train up to the Lake District for a few days instead. It’s going to be lush.”
More to follow.