VAR Sacked After Being Photographed Drunk at a bar in Kaliningrad

by James Copeland

VAR has been dismissed from the World Cup after it was seen drunk in one of Russia’s largest host cities.

The technology, which has been at the centre of some of the tournament’s biggest controversies, was reportedly clutching an empty bottle of vodka and singing ABBA’s “Dancing Queen” on the karaoke with unwarranted enthusiasm.

“It seems likely that VAR was inebriated in some of the most recent games it refereed too,” admitted Tina Boone, the President of FIFA. “Ironically, we actually had to use VAR to confirm that VAR was indeed drunk in a bar in Kaliningrad, because using our own human eyeballs simply isn’t good enough anymore. Needless to say, slow-motion footage of VAR doing the conga with an over-60’s coach trip from Skegness confirmed our worst fears.”

Since the news, brainstorming sessions to find a replacement for VAR have already began. Suggestions include employing small children to run alongside the players in order to spot infringements and putting key decisions to a public vote hosted by Dermot O’Leary. A solution is yet to be decided upon.

More to follow.

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