UK 5-a-side pitches vandalised over false 3G Coronavirus claims

by Chris Rivers

Pitches up and down the country have been left ablaze after a conspiracy theory connecting 3G pitches and the outbreak of COVID-19 took social media by storm.

Goals, one of the leading 5-a-side companies in the UK, have pleaded with the public to consult the overwhelming mass of evidence discrediting the claim before burning down their local pitches.

“We would welcome anyone who believes our 3G pitches are the cause of Coronavirus to come down to your nearest Goals establishment and see first hand that although the people that play here do look infected, they are in fact not,” said Geoff Manon, CEO of Goals.

But the plea for sensibility hasn’t stopped the spread of panic amongst players. That one uncle you have on WhatsApp, a former 5-a-side aficionado and believer of any old shite, hasn’t played since he first stumbled across the theory.

“For the longest time I’ve wondered what those little black things are that end up in your shoes after a game of footy but now I know – it’s Coronavirus.”

That one uncle you have has since become a leading voice in the ‘3G = Corona’ community, forwarding on as much information without reference to as many unwilling participants as possible over the past month despite you asking him multiple times to stop.

“Until the world realises that there is an undeniable correlation between the implementation of 3G pitches in Norwich and the birth of a super virus in China I won’t stop forwarding on fake voice notes from people pretending to be doctors saying it’s real. No matter how many group chats I’m kicked out of.”

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