Russia Facing Ban from World Cup After Fyodor Smolov Found to Have Set of Smaller Strikers Hiding Inside of Him

by Mitch Murphy

Russia and doping breaches go hand in hand but their latest violation may be their most creative yet stereotypical so far.

It has been revealed that during a routine post-match urine test an anti-doping officer noticed Russian striker Fyodor Smolov was harbouring smaller versions of himself inside of himself.

“To be honest, we don’t even know how someone would benefit from this let alone biologically be able to function,” said the officer.

Officials are now in disagreement as to whether or not sanctions should be brought against the nation, as the issue of whether it provided an advantage to Russia is in dispute.

“I mean maybe if during a corner Smolov opened up his body and revealed he was in fact 5 Smolovs of varying sizes and the little one got on the end of a cross or something then it would be against the rules. But at no point did I see Smolov remove the bottom half of his body in order to release the other Smolov’s. Not once did I see that. Which is a shame, really.”

In other news, after their World Cup opener, Russia are sweating on the fitness of their midfield maestro Alan Dzagoev. However, Russian manager Stanislav Cherchesov was in good spirits stating, “We have plenty of options from the bench. There are benefits to having a 115 man squad.”

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