Referee for World Cup Opener Unsure Over Which Regime to Favour

by James Copeland

Nestor Pitana has revealed he is at odds over which crushing oligarchic faction to favour in the Russia Vs Saudi Arabia match after both regimes approached the Argentinian referee.

“On one hand, Russia have threatened to murder my entire family if they don’t win, but on the other hand, Saudi Arabia have also threatened to murder my entire family if they don’t win. I’m quite fortunate in the fact the threats are so similar. If there’s one thing I hate it’s deciding which of my children is going to live.”

Pitana’s family have been put under protective custody for the duration of the tournament, but the referee has also been offered several bribes from the opening day’s competing nations. “It’s turned into somewhat of a bribery bidding war,” explained the Argentinian.

“The Saudis approached me and offered me a luxury car. I told them that’s a joke considering what the Russians have offered, so they came back and offered me a villa if I send a Russian player off. The Russians then counter-offered with a small town on the outskirts of Moscow for reducing the Saudis to 10-men. Of course, I haven’t formally accepted anything from either nation, but I’ve naturally got my fingers crossed for some kind of brawl.”

Despite the approaches, Pitana is confident his decision making will remain unswayed. “Ironically, these threats and bribes have actually canceled each other out. When you’re in the middle of a stand-off and both countries have their fingers on the proverbial trigger, all you can do is duck and hope they kill each other.”

More to follow.

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