Premier League Managers Keep UK Employment Statistics Afloat

by James Copeland

The constant hiring of new Premier League managers has single-handedly kept the UK’s national employment targets on track, a think-tank has announced today.

The report’s findings revealed that Premier League management positions were responsible for 72% of job opportunities created between September 2017 to February 2018.

Gary Lineker, otherwise known as the people’s Messiah or “Saint Lineker”, took to Twitter to express his concern. “This is a small snapshot of an industry that treats its staff like disposable cameras” tweeted Saint Lineker, much to the joy of the masses.

Other industry professionals took a more sympathetic approach to the revelation. “I think this shows what a powerful force the Premier League is” said Sam Allardyce, who somehow still finds himself employed by a professional football team.

Theresa May welcomed the report’s findings too. “The only message we should take from this is that the UK is absolutely on track to smash our employment targets this year” said the Prime Minister during a tour of an old mining village in Doncaster. When asked about the inflated amount of firing also highlighted in the report, May replied: “the only message we should take from this is that the UK is absolutely on track to smash our employment targets this year.”

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