Overweight man “fed up” with being the default 5-a-side goalkeeper

by James Copeland

An overweight man has expressed his annoyance at being selected to go in goal just because he’s more rotund than his teammates, it has been announced.

Barry Small, from Wroxham, prefers to play in a holding midfielder role but has spent the last three 5-a-side games between the sticks for his team, Crystal Phallus.

“He naturally covers more of the goal than we do,” said Tim Jepsen, a teammate who plays upfront because he once successfully executed a Cruyff turn. “Plus, we need outfield players who can run for 40 minutes. Barry’s got a good touch, but he’s hardly N’golo Kante is he?”

Nonetheless, Barry has threatened to stop playing if things continue in this vein. “It’s not fair” he groaned. “They’ll all conveniently forget that we agreed on a very clear 4-minute rotation rule before the season got underway. The whole reason I started playing 5-a-side was to get a good run around, but there’s only so much running you can do when you’re not allowed to step foot outside the D.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not bad in goal – I just don’t think my teammates realise that when I was 7 years old I was compared to a young Patrick Vieira. I’ve got a lot to offer.”

Despite his protests, Barry’s teammates don’t seem interested in changing it up anytime soon. “We’re getting better and better” reiterated Tim. “Last week we only lost by 11 goals, which shows a marked improvement. Clearly, we’ve made the right call by putting Barry in goal.”

More to follow.

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