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Harry Kane has apologised after accidentally swallowing nearly all of the world’s midge population during England’s World Cup opener, immediately rendering them an endangered species.
The England captain, who is unable to close his mouth due to respiratory reasons, admitted he had consumed “at least a whole meal’s worth” of midges during the game, but the full extent of his decimation only became apparent after biologists were allowed to conduct a survey. They found only 2 midges left on the pitch, and one of those was Scottish singer-songwriter Midge Ure.
“It has huge implications for the ecosystem in Russia,” explained one of the researchers. “If there are no midges, the birds will die. If the birds die, the working people will struggle. If the working people start dying, who will Vladimir Putin eat?”
Kane’s teammate Ashley Young has also expressed his concern. “I adhere to a strict 5-a-day rule: 5 bird poos a day keeps the England medical staff at bay. If the birds see a knock-on effect, I’m going home.”
Perhaps more worryingly, Harry Kane put on a total of 17 stone during the match – a metric that will surely have Southgate concerned. “We told the lads to ensure they have a protein-rich diet,” explained the England manager, “but we didn’t mean this. Harry has been warned, and he’s promised to fashion a small net that he’s going to stick over his mouth. He’s a good lad and he’s learnt his lesson.”
More to follow.