Ex-footballer and BT Sport pundit Michael Owen has been forced into bankruptcy after BT introduced a £0.25 fine for every footballing cliché use on air.
The 38 year-old, who commentated on the Manchester United v Sevilla match earlier this week, racked up £42,172,334.75 worth of charges within the first 11 minutes of the game, before worried colleagues intervened and took him off air.
“It was only meant to be a laugh” said Owen Hargreaves, who only parted with a modest £3147.25 across the course of the evening. “We were going to raise some money for charity, maybe put some it towards our #SackCarragher campaign. But it quickly became apparent that Michael was hemorrhaging some serious cash. Before I knew it, he was on the phone selling one of his race horses. I’m pretty sure it was mid-race at the time, too.”
BT’s host, Jake Humphrey, had the idea to introduce the cliché-jar in the first place. “I’ll never forget the way Michael stared at me” explained Jake, who was trembling in the back of a St John’s ambulance and gazing off into the distance. “He had tears in his eyes, but footballing clichés continued to spill out of his mouth uncontrollably. It was almost as bizarre and disturbing as United’s performance that night.”
Michael Owen, however, is admirably resolute about his financial woes. “At the end of the day, it’s a life of two halves. I’ve made a few schoolboy errors today, but if I can give 110% than I know that, on paper, I’ve got it in my locker to bounce back.”
More to follow.