Media Criticise England Leak by Showing it to Literally Everyone

by James Copeland

Today’s newspapers have bemoaned England’s team leak by ensuring that every single person in the world gets to see it.

The leak – a candid shot taken of some of Steve Holland’s pre-match notes – appears to reveal the line-up for Sunday’s crucial fixture against Panama, indicating that Sterling and Alli can expect to be sidelined.

“After a mistake like this, it’s absolutely essential that we, the media, do whatever we can to make it 1000x worse,” explained Tina Boone, the Editor of the Sun’s sports section. “Tomorrow we’re going to run an 11-page special that picks apart the personal lives of every single one our predicted starting line-up. If we can really get into their heads, they might still have a chance of crashing out in the group stages. A fall from grace like that would probably keep us going until next season.”

This isn’t the first time the English media has come under fire for an apparent lack of support for the national team. A Daily Mail spokesman, who wished to remain anonymous, admitted that he had already tried to infiltrate the England camp in Russia. “I pretended to be Raheem Sterling by painting myself black and saying words like “brethren” and “grime” at regular intervals,” he disclosed. “Inexplicably, the rest of the team were somehow able to tell the difference. I even drew a gun tattoo on my leg with a black biro. It must’ve been my decent table manners, or the fact I use an inhaler.”

More to follow.

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