For years professional footballers have been setting near impossible athletic standards for young prospects across the globe. But, in a revolutionary move, Manchester United selected 14 year old Stanley Kettering at right back on Saturday to show that, even if you are athletically unable, violently overweight, and severely underage, you can still cut it at the highest level.
The move to tackle the Premier League’s toxic anti-fat culture has been showered with praise by everyone other than Manchester United fans who watched their team fall to a 1-0 defeat at the hands of Everton, with many blaming the new right back for the loss.
Young Stanley was stretchered off the pitch to a chorus of boos after lasting a heroic 7 seconds before collapsing while trying to chase down Everton’s Yannick Bolasie; Stanley’s lack of pace and amorphous frame causing United to concede the quickest goal in Premier League history.
United’s new right back is currently in intensive care with doctors criticising the Healthy At Every Size movement for suggesting the boy would ‘ease through the 90 minutes with Bolasie in his colossal back pocket’. In a statement from St. Ward’s Hospital, chief of medicine Paul Cameron had this to say: ‘We understand that the club was trying to advance social justice, create an inclusive and respectful community and support people of all sizes, but this was fucking retarded. Bolasie had him on toast from the first whistle.”
Unfortunately for Manchester United and Stanley Kettering, Everton’s manager Sam Allardyce was also quick to reveal he and his staff purposefully targeted the young debutant. In his post-match conference, Sam Allardyce stated: “We thought to ourselves, ‘For some reason they’ve got a 14 year old piece of lard at right back. Let’s get Yannick on him from the off,’ and thankfully it worked as the youngster entered cardiac arrest the second Yannick pushed the ball past him.”