in

Man United to give free tickets to Portsmouth fans to boost atmosphere

It’s easier than playing exciting football

Manchester United have today announced that they will be providing Portsmouth season-ticket holders with free tickets to all matches held at Old Trafford, on the condition they actively attempt to boost the atmosphere.

The idea came after months of deliberation that included ideas such as song sheets and continental-style ‘cheerleaders’ with megaphones.

Jose Mourinho has time and time again asserted that Old Trafford is a “quiet ground” whilst denying that it could have anything to do with the style of football he adopts.

Gloria Hunter, head spokesperson of the Man United Fan Association, kindly stayed up until 3 am her time to speak to us about the decision: “We needed to identify fans that remained loud despite having nothing to cheer about. Leeds and Portsmouth topped our list, but we opted for the latter due to obvious reasons.”

“Portsmouth fans are seasoned with defeat, following back to back to back to back to back to back relegations in the space of just 3 years. They’re also geographically suited, being just 250 miles away from Manchester.”

Jack Hobart, a Manchester United fan that doesn’t attend home matches because they are too far away, stated “the reason that Old Trafford is so quiet is because of Mourinho’s defensive style of play. The whole reason I stopped supporting Everton was because of Fellaini… am I now supposed to cheer when he’s brought on for Sanchez?”

Many Portsmouth fans have already dismissed the opportunity to downgrade Jackett & Pitman for Mourinho & Lukaku, though John Portsmouth Football Club Westwood stated he’d attend the Southampton match if they lift his ban for ‘standing during the match’ when the clubs last met in 2010.

Investigation Reveals Southgate Used Cambridge Analytica To Secure England Job

BBC to Launch 24 Hour Coverage of Salah Completing Mundane Tasks