Man Having a Terrible Gameweek Suddenly Decides he Doesn’t Care About FPL

by James Copeland

A man who described himself as an “FPL addict” only last week has today announced he “never really gave a shit” after only scoring 17 points from Saturday’s fixtures.

Dave Bean, a sales advisor from Southend, has been playing Fantasy Premier League for 7 seasons, and runs a Twitter account dedicated to his thoughts on the game. But after captaining Eriksen and owning the likes of Ben Mee, Adrian, Niasse and Xherdan Shaqiri, Dave has decided he never really cared to begin with.

“It’s funny” he told us, shrugging his shoulders and laughing with unwarranted enthusiasm. “It’s really, really funny. I was actually thinking of quitting this season. It’s just a game. I couldn’t care less – in fact, I’ve never been better. How’re you?”

Despite his claims, some of his friends have expressed concern. “We didn’t see him for 3 days after he triple captained Kane back in January.” explained Steve, a mini-league rival who now finds himself 37 points ahead of Dave. “I’m worried for my life, to be frank. If you get too lucky, he’ll lash out at you.”

Nonetheless, Dave has insisted that everything is great. “You could not be speaking to a happier man” he reaffirmed. “I’m probably going to fix myself a cup of tea and think about what’s really important in life. It’s not all about fantasy football, you know.”

UPDATE: Dave Bean is missing. He was last seen boiling the kettle and crying at his kitchen table. If you have any information regarding his whereabouts, please get in touch with High Press News immediately.  

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