Manchester United’s 2-1 victory over league rivals Chelsea may have been great viewing for the armchair spectator, but for the purists, it marks further millennialisation in a sport that’s already ‘being taken over by robots’.
Earlier this week, Avishay Frisker, head of the ‘Counteract Untraditional New Technologies’ committee spoke out in pure disgust that Mata’s goal was ruled offside and validated by ‘a robot on paint’ that ‘couldn’t kick a ball with his robot legs – even if he tried’.
This week, it’s not the ever-progressive 21st-century technology that tops their agenda, but instead the commodification of sports players and the product placement that’s ‘creeping its way into the sport like the #plague’.
Lingard was substituted on in the 64th minute, with many spectators noticing a small bulge on his left calf. Allegations flew around the ground, ranging from a banana to a microphone. One fan even heard a spectator suggest he was playing through a Cissé but it didn’t pick up much weight.
All became apparent when Lingard headed home from close range in the 74th minute, ran over to the corner flag, removed a selfie-stick from his sock and proceeded to live-stream his celebration on Periscope.
Harry Redknapp, advisor over at C.U.N.T instantly had his dog take to Twitter and paw up a press release that suggests Lingard should be “banned following his promotion of products that have no place within thy sport”.
More fascinating developments followed when Lingard continued to stream the final 15 minutes and at one point was joined live on air by Stormzy, which caused the Irish Evening Herald to close down for the day in complete confusion that he was also playing in the match.
Mourinho defended his player by saying “he’s there to score in big matches” and “what he does before and after that is up to him”. He later went on to admit that he “often forget he’s (Lingard) playing until he scores”.
Phil Jones later implied that Paul Pogba’s arrival proved a turning point in Lingard’s emotional development, revealing that Jesse “began listening to Migos and referring to Old Trafford as ‘The Trap’” shortly after the Frenchman’s arrival.