Investigation Reveals Southgate Used Cambridge Analytica To Secure England Job

by Mitch Murphy

A terrible track record, a personality as stale as the pack of Koka Noodles in your office drawer, and a nose like a spanner in an Aldi bag; Gareth Southgate’s acquisition of one of the highest managerial positions in world football has been labelled as ‘a mystery even the Bebe transfer can’t top’. High Press News, in conjunction with Channel 4, The Guardian, and the New York Times, went undercover to expose Southgate’s ties with the now infamous company Cambridge Analytica.

The six month long investigation has revealed how the England manager funnelled anonymous donations to the London based firm under the pseudonym ‘DefinitelyNotGarethSouthgate69’ for almost a year before securing the position. The payments were eventually used to fund Southgate’s rise up the shortlist drawn up after the departure of the then manager Sam Allardyce –  which is now under a separate investigation.

Southgate and Cambridge Analytica are being quizzed over the now theorised ‘sting of Sam Allardyce’ in which the amorphous former England manager was ploughed with pints of wine while being led down a route of entrapment – a tactic that Cambridge Analytica admitted to utilising in secretly filmed interviews.

Alexander Nix, CEO of Cambridge Analytica, was recorded stating the following: “The Sam Allardyce scenario was interesting. Obviously, we would usually use girls to entrap targets but he…he was different. He actually asked for a desk of gravy. Can you believe that? Who even uses a desk as a unit of measurement?”

Southgate also used the company’s ability to scrape Facebook profiles to source information from those who would be conducting the interviews. Gordon Taylor, the head of the FA, stated the following after Southgate’s interview (22/11/16): “We got along heroically. It was remarkable how much we have in common; from sleeping in crypts, funnelling bonus money, being paid far too much considering what we do, and, most importantly, we both have a fondness for selling our souls to ensure the magical portrait pictures of ourselves we keep in our attics ages and fades rather than our material beings. He was just like one of the lads.”

We now know that the above quote was more telling than it originally appeared on the surface.

More to follow as the story unfolds.

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