Hospital Informs Maradona That There’s Still no Cure for Wankery

by James Copeland

A Russian hospital had to discharge Diego Maradona after it was revealed a cure for being an arsehole still hasn’t been found.

Maradona, who was admitted to the hospital immediately after Argentina’s dramatic win over Nigeria, celebrated Rojo’s late winner by raising his middle fingers to the Nigerian fans sat beneath him.

“We ran some tests,” explained a nurse who works at the medical facility, “but it turns out Maradona was just suffering from an acute case of wankery, something we still haven’t found a treatment for.”

High Press News spoke to Juan Kerr, a wankery specialist based in Florida. “Very few people will ever recover from a bout of wankery,” he explained. “In Diego’s case, it seems likely he’s been a wanker for quite some time, making any kind of remission all the more improbable.”

WANKA, the Wanker, Arsehole, Numpty and Knobhead Association, has been helping people suffering with these conditions for over 30 years. To support people like Maradona, please text ‘TOSSER’ to 07452822443. That’s ‘TOSSER’ to 07452822443.

Thank you.

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