After a series of cataclysmic events, God Almighty himself has held a press conference today outright stating: ‘What more do I have to do for you people to take a fucking hint?’
For the first time since the outbreak of war, football was put on hold around the world due to the emergence of the Coronavirus – a viral disease that was initially linked to a wet market in Wuhan, China. However, after taking to the stage at an unknown but celestial location, the Alpha Omega was quick to state, ‘No, that was me. I was sure it would get the job done but it appears old Satan has enough of his people in power to get this charade going again.”
Liverpool, who play in Lucifer’s red, have an infamous history of snatching both defeat and victory in the most dramatic of manners.
“It’s certainly no coincidence, let me tell you. Istanbul, that was him. Gerrard slipping, that was me,” said the Infinite Creator. “05/06 FA Cup Final, him. Dwight Gayle turning in to Messi, that was actually my Son. It’s swings and roundabouts.”
When quizzed on why an omnipotent being would struggle enacting his will, the Big Fella Upstairs was quick to respond, “Why do you think bad things happen? I have to stay on the ball 24/7 and not just for this planet. Got a whole universe to police. And sometime when I turn my back he will help them win a Champions League. How about you lot take some fucking responsibility and beat them once in a while? Then you wouldn’t need me to turn up so often.”
“I swear to me if Jordan Henderson lifts that thing.”