EXCLUSIVE: Interview with a Fan Who Claims to Follow Various European Leagues but Secretly Doesn’t

by Mitch Murphy

Labelled as ANON (anonymous) in order to conceal his identity, the following is the transcript of our recent interview with an armchair fan who claims to his friends he watches multiple European leagues.


High Press News: “So how did all of this start?”


ANON: “I listened to a European football podcast once and that was it. After the podcast finished I thought to myself: ‘I’m an expert now. I know everything there is to know about European football.’”


HPN: “Do you still listen to the podcasts?


ANON: “God, no. I’m still subscribed to a couple. Just seeing them queued in my ‘Listen To’ list is enough for me. It reminds me that I am that guy who takes an interest in multiple leagues across Europe and superficially knows more about football than all of my friends combined. But I don’t actually listen to them, no. There’s better stuff out there like podcasts about murder, incompetent police departments, and rape.”


HPN: “So, why do you do it?”


ANON: “It gives me a brief feeling of intellectual dominance over my friends in the group chat. And that’s what life is all about, isn’t it?”


HPN: “No.”


ANON: “Listen, it’s too easy to say you do when you don’t. That’s the problem. Other people don’t know enough about the leagues to question you. How are you going to question me on Willi Orban when you haven’t watched a single Leipzig game this season?”


HPN: “But you haven’t.”


ANON: “But I sound like I do. When we’re going for transfer targets or a new manager, I’m the only one in the group chat suggesting names outside of England. It certainly makes me feel superior even if I don’t actually know what I’m talking about.”


HPN: “I still don’t get it.”


ANON: “You watched much Serie A this season?”


HPN: “Not really.”


ANON: “Did you know Maurizio Sarri was still working in a bank at the age of 40?”


HPN: “Really?”


ANON: “Yeah. And how does that make you feel?”


HPN: “It makes me feel like you know more about banks than I do.”


ANON: “Exactly.”


HPN: “I think I get it.”

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