The bookies in England are rejoicing after every single person in the country decided to “stick 50 quid on England to bring it home” following their 1-1 draw over Italy, it has been revealed.
Men, women and even children flocked to their local bookmakers clutching wads of cash as the final whistle blew at Wembley, causing chaotic scenes across the UK.
“It was pandemonium” explained Janet Phyllis, a 3-year-old from Basingstoke who was stitching up a wound to her upper arm using a tiny blue William Hill pen. “People were singing ‘three lions on the shirt’ and some blokes had to jump behind the counter to help take bets and make patrons complimentary cups of tea, as is customary in English bookmakers.”
Among those placing bets were the England players themselves, as well as journalists who have otherwise been skeptical of England’s chances. “We were shocking last week, despite our win,” said John Stickler, a pundit for the Daily Mail. “But we were much improved against Italy. Did you see some of the runs our black fellas were making? Great stuff.”
The Queen has also put her money where her mouth is, including England’s first World Cup win for over 50 years in an accumulator which also backs Jamie Vardy to win the Golden Boot in Russia. “He’s a fucking mad lad” laughed the Queen. “But he turns up for the big games. Why not have a punt?”
More to follow.