English Teams Try to Lower Coefficient After Confusing it With Cholesterol

by James Copeland

The FA has revealed that it believed England’s coefficient and England’s cholesterol levels were synonymous, after a mysterious email was circulated by Gordon Taylor at the end of last week.

The email, which claimed a high coefficient could “block arteries and slow blood pressure” caused panic among an aging FA board – many of whom were already on a strict diet of oily fish, cashew nuts and almonds. Consequently, English teams still competing in European tournaments were told to bow out as convincingly as possible with immediate effect.

“We now understand that coefficient and cholesterol are two separate entities” explained Gordon Taylor, who we found Googling ways to eliminate saturated fats from his diet. “Nonetheless, at the time we felt compelled to ensure we weren’t putting ourselves – or members of the public – in any danger.”

Premier League bosses have already expressed their concern over the confusion. “It’s worrying” grunted Jose Mourinho. “The FA have already got every single disciplinary hearing against me totally wrong, and now they’ve got this wrong too. If it wasn’t for Judy Finnegan and Tesco’s Chicken and Mushroom Slices, I’d probably have moved back to Portugal by now.”

But other managers were more understanding. “I received a text at half-time during the Juventus game” said Mauricio Pochettino. “It explained that the NHS was already under enough strain, and Tottenham qualifying for the quarter-finals would only add to that burden. Naturally, I had the lads concede two away goals in quick succession. The last thing we wanted was to anger the NHS – what with Harry Kane approaching a major tournament and all.”

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