A group of conscientious England fans have been universally lauded for clearing up all the blood and teeth they beat out of Tunisia supporters on Monday.
The recognition follows praise for Japanese and Senegalese fans, who were also pictured tidying up after themselves after their opening fixtures.
“We want to make a statement” said Wayne Twatter from Cornwall, who’d chosen to fashion a necklace from the teeth he had collected. “England fans have a reputation for being disrespectful, rude and belligerent at tournaments. By clearing away loose teeth, spilled blood and improvised weapons made from plastic bottles of Heineken, we’re trying to create a more welcoming atmosphere.”
“It’s fantastic to see England fans in the news for the right reasons” added Gareth Southgate. “Yesterday an England fan began hurling racist abuse at Ashley Young, but then immediately apologised. The poor lad had just confused him with Wahbi Khazri. It shows a real maturity to own up and apologise like that, and I’d love to see more of it.”
High Press News understands that England fans have also pledged to donate 95% of their bodily fluids to the Moska river, a move that will surely see them welcomed back to Russia with open arms henceforth.
More to follow.