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Cristiano Ronaldo Launches ‘PR7’ Agency Amidst Rape Allegations

Sepp Blatter will work in accounts

Cristiano Ronaldo has never been a man to pass up an opportunity when sniffing around an opposition defence or the box of an unwilling woman, and with the current media drama surrounding Ronaldo’s rape accusation, the Portuguese star has decided it’s the perfect opportunity to enter the business world of personal representation.

The footballing mogul has launched PR7 – a personal representation company specifically designed to help famous footballers roll with the unwanted punches that arise when committing horrendous crimes that every day normal Joe’s like me or you would see serious jail time for.

“No matter what is thrown at you: running over people with your car, using your fame to assault vulnerable women, embezzling money while hiding from the tax-man; PR7 has every footballer who is famous enough, and willing to pay, covered,” said Stephen Goebbels, Vice-President of PR7.

Various footballers have already sought representation with PR7, including stars who have committed crimes years in the past which, for reasons unknown to the footballers, still awkwardly linger with the public.

“When I was caught driving at 122.8kmh in wet conditions in a 50kmh zone, murdering a 19 year old woman in the process, I thought my career was stained forever,” said Chelsea star Marcos Alonso. “But with PR7, I’m able to repent for such crimes via soul-cleansing Instagram posts and Snapchat stories.”

Even Cristiano’s greatest rival, Lionel Messi, has bought in to the new venture. “Who hasn’t used off shore accounts to defraud Spain of over five million euros?” asked the Argentinian ace. “All of us have in some way or another. But now people like me, not you, of course, can afford the services of PR7, allowing me to continue my life blissfully ignorant of any real consequences.”

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