In a sensational turn of events, Jamie Carragher is to be publicly hanged in the streets of Manchester for a spitting incident following Liverpool’s 2-1 defeat to Manchester United.
The former Liverpool defender turned pundit, who has been vilified across the media in recent days for spitting at a goading United fan, will be hung by Rupert Murdoch himself.
“I’m going to be wearing a Manchester United t-shirt and a novelty Wayne Rooney mask for the execution” beamed Murdoch, who was busy trying to find a way to tap Princess Charlotte’s baby monitor. “If you’d like to attend the hanging, all you have to do is collect the 7 coupons published in each issue of The Sun next week. Some lucky winners will even get the chance to spit on his twitching body as he slowly suffocates to death.”
“It’s all about showing that we at News Corp won’t stand for such debased behaviour” he continued. “As the moral bastions of today’s society, we have a duty to hack sexual abuse victims’ phones and hang football pundits who lose their rag. It’s what the British public deserve.”
Tommy Robinson, who has been appointed with overseeing the logistics of the event, explained what audiences can expect. “We want to make it a great day out for all the family” he enthused. “Aside from the hanging itself, attendees can also enjoy a hog roast, St George’s flag face-painting, pin the horns on the Corbyn and, of course, a performance from Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds.”
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