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    Manchester City Owner Admits to Using Infinite Money Cheat

    In the midst of the financial doping allegations levelled at Manchester City, owner Sheikh Mansour has shocked the football world by openly admitting to using an infinite money cheat to bring success to the Manchester club. “”When I heard Greame Souness say you can’t buy the league I thought, ‘game on, old man’,” muttered Sheik […] More

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    Newcastle Fans Buy Mike Ashley a Brand New Helicopter

    Newcastle fans have rallied to buy club owner Mike Ashley a brand new helicopter, allegedly just as a pre-Christmas treat for being such a good owner. The money-raising campaign was started by Jordan Tyne, or “Jordy” to his friends, who claims he wanted to show Ashley that he is a beloved asset amongst Newcastle fans. […] More

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    England Fans Suddenly Care About Nations League

    England fans have declared they are now fully invested in the UEFA Nations League after a shock victory against Spain. Following a goalless draw against Croatia last week, the tournament had been dismissed as a waste of time by pundits and fans alike. But 3 first-half goals against an in-form Spanish side have now made […] More

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    Bolt Thanks Aussie Make A Wish Foundation For Debut Brace

    Usain Bolt was quick to thank the Australian branch of the Make a Wish Foundation for their role in helping him to realise his boyhood dream of scoring in a “professional” game of football. The sprinter was allowed to score two goals for the Central Coast Mariners in a 4-0 win against Macarthur South West, […] More

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    Mourinho’s Contract Renewal Mysteriously Shreds Itself

    Jose Mourinho’s new contract has fed itself through a hidden shredder in Ed Woodward’s filing cabinet, High Press News can confirm. The contract, which would’ve kept Mourinho at United until 2020 and necessitates a substantial pay-out if terminated early, is now null and void according to Woodward’s legal team. “We were definitely planning to stick […] More

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    Cristiano Ronaldo Launches ‘PR7’ Agency Amidst Rape Allegations

    Cristiano Ronaldo has never been a man to pass up an opportunity when sniffing around an opposition defence or the box of an unwilling woman, and with the current media drama surrounding Ronaldo’s rape accusation, the Portuguese star has decided it’s the perfect opportunity to enter the business world of personal representation. The footballing mogul […] More

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    Sporting Media “Devastated” by United Comeback

    The world’s media have expressed their anger and frustration after Manchester United staged a remarkable second-half comeback to defeat Newcastle United on Saturday. In a joint statement, news outlets bemoaned the character and determination shown by Mourinho’s team, reluctantly acknowledging that this may be the catalyst they needed to finally kick-start their season. “Of course […] More

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    Sam Allardyce Claims He Invented The Shaka

    Sam Allardyce today slithered from gravy stained layer to announce that the shaka “wasn’t invented by whoever Paul Pogba thinks it was” and instead by himself. The one-time England boss told High Press News that he was forced to speak out after “accidentally stumbling upon an Instagram story” that showed the Manchester United midfielder throwing […] More

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    FA Launches ‘Kante Flavoured’ Energy Drink

    In what has come as a shock to the business world, the FA today announced that they have invested every penny of the £600m raised through the sale of Wembley in to their new N’Golo Kante flavoured energy drink. “It really does taste like N’Golo Kante,” said Keith Beverage of the Football Association, who demonstrated […] More

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    Paul Pogba Delivers Cryptic Message in Interview: “Fuck Mourinho”

    Journalists across the world are racking their brains trying to decipher the latest coded message delivered by Manchester United maestro Paul Pogba in his post-match interview. “We were beyond shite,” said the French World Cup winner, his body language giving nothing away. When asked to elaborate, Pogba continued, “I hate everything about this club and, […] More

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