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    Panic as Leak Reveals Network Rail in Charge of England Hype Train

    England fans across the country have been left strandard as the England Hype Train failed to show up on time after the last 16 victory over Colombia. Thomas Train, a representative of Network Rail spoke with High Press News earlier today stating: “There’s a 65% chance the hype train will arrive sometime today – we’re […] More

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    Reality Checks to be Carried out at all of England’s Airports

    British Aerospace has announced they’ll be carrying out on-the-spot reality checks at every English airport over the next few days. Starting with Heathrow, airport staff will be frisking random English citizens with a series of questions, such as ‘if you could book football a taxi, where would you book it to?’ and ‘What is the […] More

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    Painfully Arrogant Sweepstakers Humbled By German Exit

    Arrogant sweepstake melts in offices around the world have been left humbled after ‘best pick possible’ Germany were surprisingly eliminated from the World Cup. In particular, that cretin Lenny in IT – who hasn’t stopped talking about what he was going to spend the sweepstake money on – hasn’t replied to any WhatsApp messages since […] More

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    Hospital Informs Maradona That There’s Still no Cure for Wankery

    A Russian hospital had to discharge Diego Maradona after it was revealed a cure for being an arsehole still hasn’t been found. Maradona, who was admitted to the hospital immediately after Argentina’s dramatic win over Nigeria, celebrated Rojo’s late winner by raising his middle fingers to the Nigerian fans sat beneath him. “We ran some […] More

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    VAR Sacked After Being Photographed Drunk at a bar in Kaliningrad

    VAR has been dismissed from the World Cup after it was seen drunk in one of Russia’s largest host cities. The technology, which has been at the centre of some of the tournament’s biggest controversies, was reportedly clutching an empty bottle of vodka and singing ABBA’s “Dancing Queen” on the karaoke with unwarranted enthusiasm. “It […] More

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    Media Criticise England Leak by Showing it to Literally Everyone

    Today’s newspapers have bemoaned England’s team leak by ensuring that every single person in the world gets to see it. The leak – a candid shot taken of some of Steve Holland’s pre-match notes – appears to reveal the line-up for Sunday’s crucial fixture against Panama, indicating that Sterling and Alli can expect to be […] More

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    Man Fired After Attempting Iranian Throw-In To Deliver Report

    A man working for an undisclosed large London investment company has been fired for attempting to deliver his monthly report in the same manner Iranian defender Milad Mohammadi took a throw-in during the closing stages of Iran’s match with Spain. “I thought, what better demonstrates competency than a sick flip before you deliver a throw-in […] More

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    England Fans Praised for Cleaning up Blood and Teeth After Match

    A group of conscientious England fans have been universally lauded for clearing up all the blood and teeth they beat out of Tunisia supporters on Monday. The recognition follows praise for Japanese and Senegalese fans, who were also pictured tidying up after themselves after their opening fixtures. “We want to make a statement” said Wayne […] More

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    Shock as Local Man Keeps World Cup Wall Chart Up-To-Date

    A house in Devon has emerged as a surprise place of pilgrimage after local police discovered a completely up-to-date World Cup wall chart in the home of local man Peter Punctual. Chief Inspector Gary Policeman, addressing the press who had gathered outside the makeshift terraced temple, had this to say: “We can confirm that as […] More

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    Midges on Verge of Extinction After Kane Swallows Over 7 Billion in one Night

    **If you like this sort of thing, you should know that we’re doing an article every day for the World Cup. Like our Facebook Page to get involved. Harry Kane has apologised after accidentally swallowing nearly all of the world’s midge population during England’s World Cup opener, immediately rendering them an endangered species. The England captain, […] More

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    “We Need to be Realistic”, says man with ‘ENGLAND ‘18’ Tattooed Across his Forehead

    An England fan who got an ‘ENGLAND ‘18’ tattoo after their friendly win against Costa Rica has urged supporters to keep some perspective about England’s prospects in Russia. Barry Chimp, from Fudley,  has also placed his life-savings on England to lift this year’s World Cup after a victorious penalty shoot-out against Argentina in the final. […] More

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